Sometimes I find it hard to accept that the consequences are inextricably linked with what I’m doing. This applies both to getting rid of the old habits and the introduction of new ones. I find it hard to believe that a small change in the pattern of behavior may affect the shape of my reality. And according to the principle that if something is forbidden, but really wanted, you can still do that – I constantly commit the same mistakes, and I’m surprised that they bring the same results.
As my skin for example. I have some problems with it recently. It drives me to despair, I do not know what to do to get it in shape. I do not deal well with the imperfections. I do not know where they come from. There are so many possibilities – hormones, stress, diet, skin condition itself – and I feel helpless when I have to choose a proper action and then – consequently implement it. And I often choose what seems to be the easiest way – the total annihilation of the problem. I know the rule that you should not touch or irritate the imperfection. But the satisfaction from this brief moment of intense interest in imperfection, and consequently – its annihilation – is stronger than any form of long performed action. Plow, destroy, get rid of what bothers me, immediately and without fuss – it gives a feeling of ecstasy that the problem is solved.
Only that it does not disappear. When attacked, it escapes out of sight, only to return in the form of scars or even more imperfections. And this time it is flushed and angry, reminding me about itself every morning when I look in the mirror. And again there is in me this irresistible temptation to attack it and get rid of it once and for all.
But what would happen if I have chosen differently, gave it more time? If I allowed it to go through all the stages of imperfection. If I took care of it, instead of trying to change it, dramatically “heal”, modify, rectify. If I tried to understand what its appearance means, what is the cause of this irritation. Would it abate then, lose its combative and irritating character, return to harmony with itself, leaving only a small mark on the surface?
I have not found an answer yet. Scars are the testament of my need to implement immediate solutions. This reaction is automatic for me. I have no reason to act so, still I do it only because of customs and habits. This is the only way of interacting with imperfections that I know. As a result, I lose twice: I am left with a scar, which gathers its strength to re-attack and I never get to the core of the problem.
And what if I changed the pattern of behavior? If I thought about the next imperfection as a temporary phase, as a natural, but difficult to accept consequence of various factors. Both dependent and independent on me. Also if I give myself time to reconcile with those factors that I have no control over. Maybe some change would come if I leave the imperfection alone, trusting that time and some of my care-giving will bring the solution to the problem? What do you think, is it implementable in real life?
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